Songs for You, Abby

Tomorrow is the 16th anniversary of my good friend, Abby,'s death. I am feeling her absence again lately. She's been in my dreams since her death - on and off - and I wonder if we would've stayed good friends if she had lived. I guess I hope so, but I guess I'll never know for sure. I guess I don't know how much I may or may not have meant to her. She has told me in my dreams that she loves me, though. She has remained a good friend in my dreams.

This first song played on the radio when I knew her in our senior year of high school - "Protection" by Massive Attack. I always wanted to be able to protect her - she was sick and undergoing chemotherapy and radiation therapy. I wanted to make her healthy again. Alas, I couldn't do it. I couldn't protect her.

Abby and I were both Ani Difranco fans in high school - before Ani got "big" in the lesbian, college scene. Ani Difranco was from Buffalo, NY, and we lived in Rochester, NY - only an hour east of Buffalo - so she was considered "local" at the time. In fact, it was her song, "In or Out", that I heard on the radio (80.5 WBER - "Rochester's Real Modern Rock Station", one of the only non-commercial, non-college radio stations in the country), that helped me to realize that it was ok to be bisexual (first step for me in coming out as a lesbian). Ani was a kind of heroine for us lesbians, to be honest, even though she never claimed the title - she was always adamant about saying she was "bisexual" and not a lesbian. In the end, I think she married a dude and had a kid, although I'm pretty sure she got divorced from him a few years ago. I don't know or care how she identifies anymore. She was instrumental in helping me come out at the time and thus I am grateful for her courage - and talent. Abby, too - she was open about identifying as bisexual as well. I think this album, Little Plastic Castles, may have been released after her death, but I always felt this song so strongly for her - "Pulse" by Ani Difranco.

I'd offer you my pulse

Give you my breath

Finally, this last one is also Ani - singing the age old hymn, "Amazing Grace". I believe this song came out on her "Living in Clip" album, which was an album of live performances, although this performance sounds like it was recorded in a studio. In any case, it either came out right before her death or right after it and was so poignant to me because they sang the hymn at her memorial. I felt like this version was almost meant for Abby. Therefore, I think of Abby every single time I hear it. Maybe it will be the sweet sound that saves a wretch like me...